Sunday, March 7, 2010

Crack (aka Cucumber Salsa)

Every time I make this, people demand the recipe. DEMAND it. At our neighborhood's rib cook-off, I wrote it down and one of my neighbors raced inside to use his fax machine to duplicate it to satisfy demand.

Every time I make it, the result is slightly different. This is probably because the freshness and quality of the ingredients is paramount. If I actually knew what I was doing when selecting the vegetables then I might have some good tips. As such, it's kind of a crapshoot what I end up coming home with from the grocery store. As long as you get the seasonings right, the outcome will still be pretty darn good.


1 cucumber
1 pint cherry or grape tomatoes
1 green onion
handful of cilantro (just the leaves)
1 jalapeno (seeds and ribs removed, or you'll be sorry!)
1 tsp minced garlic
1 tsp lime juice (I usually add more though)
1/2 tsp salt (I like to use sea salt)
1/4 tsp ground pepper
1/8 tsp ground cumin
1 tbsp sour cream
  1. Mince the cucumber and tomatoes (in small batches) in a food processor* until they are about the texture of chunky applesauce. As you empty the batches of minced veggies out of the food processor, dump them into a colander in the sink to let them drain while you prepare the rest of the salsa. Cucumbers and tomatoes are juicy little buggers.
  2. Toss the green onion, cilantro leaves, and jalapeno** in the food processor and puree those puppies. If you're as big of a wimp as I am about spicy food, you won't want to run into an errant chunk of jalapeno by accident.
  3. Dump the veggies, ground pepper, ground cumin, and sour cream into a bowl and mix them up. Taste it. Then add the lime and salt and taste it again while marveling at the incredible difference those beauties make to the salsa. If you're not wowed by the improvement in flavor, slowly add more lime and salt until the wow factor emerges.
*If you have a food processor, for the love of all things holy please use it. Otherwise you will be swearing at me when you begin the third straight hour of monotonous mincing of vegetables -- especially the darn tomatoes. This recipe would be good chopped a little rougher, but it's best when you get it more the texture of the salsa you get in restaurants. If you don't heed my warning or don't own a food processor, then please don't sue me when you cut your finger off or develop carpal tunnel. I used to be a lawyer, so don't think I won't fight back.
**I recommend slicing and removing the seeds/ribs while wearing rubber gloves, lest you later forget you might have jalapeno oil lingering on your hands and you wipe your nose. WOWZA. That was not pleasant. And yes I was done cooking when I wiped my nose.


  1. This is also delicious as a topping on hamburgers or cheeseburgers.

    Seriously. Try it. Very summery.

  2. I like it on turkey burgers. YUM!!!